Short Movie Reviews 2011-2015
January 29, 2011
Much better than Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, in that this movie doesn't take a break from the ridiculous to have pieces of boring. It's just balls-to-the-wall crazy. Recommended.
February 23, 2011
A one note movie, but what a ridiculously insane note. Possibly the strangest climate change warning flick yet.
March 12, 2011
What Lost Skeleton did for 50s sci-fi movies, Black Dynamite does for 70s blaxploitation movies. Black Dynamite (the character) could kick the asses of all characters from movies I've reviewed.
March 13, 2011
Ordinary people stumbling upon extraordinary circumstances. Very compact, taking place entirely in and around an apartment building. I enjoyed.
March 21, 2011
Firefly wasn't really a "heroes save the world" type of show, but they pretty successfully elevate it to major issues in its own way here.
May 4-5, 2011
Veteran becomes increasingly involved in the family business, finds it a transformative experience. Also long, dramatic, and well acted.
June 12, 2011
Hollywood dick rips off a kid's story. Then it becomes sort of like Home Alone, if Kevin had gone on the offense instead of playing defense. Contains both Jaleel White and Dustin Diamond.
June 13, 2011
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1
The shit hits the fan. Even with only half a book to cover some pretty big stuff is left out, but definitely feels less rushed than the previous few.
July 7, 2011
Turns out balancing safety, business success, and family happiness is tough. There are two pretty good movies in here, and it feels like enough subtext that there's an invisible third.
September 1, 2011
A fun enough suburban vampire watch, but without one great thing in particular that sticks out to comment on. Just solid all around. Some 3D effects were a bit gratuitous.
September 5, 2011
It could've been even better with the proper old voice actors, but this is just a fun blast of nostalgia even if you're not familiar with all the crossed-over Ninja Turtle branches.
October 15, 2011
As far as heavily animal-based romantic comedies produced by Adam Sandler go, at least this one has fewer bestiality jokes than The Animal. Decent CG animal lipwork.
November 1, 2011
I'm sure it's mutated and exaggerated, but an interesting history of the first decadeish of Apple and Microsoft. Just feels like it's part 1 of what should be maybe 3 parts by now.
November 11, 2011
Night vs Darkness, in the shadows. Seriously, I couldn't see shit. Pieces of monstrous things did damage to each other and a slew of humans. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
December 3, 2011
A strange one. A series of simple enough motives and action scenes, but told in a layered and visually fantastical way--with a slightly unrealistic take on the nonconsequences of overclocking.
December 11, 2011
Hank Azaria as Gargamel is pretty cool. The plot is even more lightweight than one would expect from a "Smurfs stuck in New York" premise, though.
Never Back Down 2: The Beatdown
People have a variety of problems. Emotional, financial. But the common solution? Beating the shit out of each other.
December 22, 2011
Strange combination of kid-friendliness with guns and booze. CG used to great effect for seamless action shots. Didn't always keep my interest in between, though.
December 31, 2011
It's generally unpleasant watching a nice, too-trusting character get shit on by his troubled family, his ex, and the law.
January 15, 2012
Strange. Tries to be both serious and a bit parodic. Real and fictitious. Not sure where it ended up.
January 16, 2012
Film quality and dubbing do it a disservice, but a fine Chan (and buddies) movie.
January 27, 2012
Good fun. Many factions allow for all kinds of shifting situations. Feels less cheap than the first, but Sammo and Biao are missed.
January 30, 2012
Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie
Amazing to see T&E; at such a large scale, but not as many laughs as watching as many minutes of Awesome Show.
March 9, 2012
Changes from the source material sometimes help, sometimes make it less alien and more modern cliche. Delivers on fantastical adventure spectacle, though, which is what I was looking for.
May 4, 2012
"Black sheep does right and saves the day" isn't new, but done well enough here. Also convincing: the non-lingual interspecies communication.
May 5, 2012
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
Being very much a Part 2 it tells far from a whole story, but is a rarity among big series conclusions for having more than enough room to breathe rather than rush through things.
May 6, 2012
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
Fairly faithful adaptation of dead serious source material, not so much made a knee-slapping comedy as replacing some characters with exaggerated caricatures.
May 20, 2012
"Bad things keep happening to good guy" type movie, except there are several of them, and they're all pretty much screwups who cause their own trouble.
May 27, 2012
This 80s movie takes place in the 80s and 80s 80s 80s 80s 80s 80s 80s.
June 8, 2012
Goes a little off the deep end, but I loved seeing some modern high budget exploratory sci-fi taking itself seriously.
June 9-10, 2012
"The proper response to crime and corruption is sometimes MORE illegal police action" is an awful lesson, but the rest of the movie is fun and with great style.
June 22, 2012
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
By taking big time jumps, introducing characters, changing motivations, and having hyper-real action sequences, it really loses the grounded suspension of disbelief the book allowed.
June 24, 2012
Messed up short story of a movie, showing the dangers of same-day time travel.
August 18, 2012
Meh. Large amounts of rehash from previous Cro High versions, but with less craziness. Still, it's fun to see things like live-action Mechazawa.
Beautiful. Both in visuals and letting us get a peek into these characters' heads as they deal with... well, hope and change.
September 28, 2012
What if the Biff/Biff meetups they were contentious hired guns? The movie does a lot right, though has a few apparent gaps that seem like they need fanon to make sense.
October 5, 2012
If Three Amigos took itself less seriously, it might be this. Pretty over-the-top, but people like Ben Stiller and Jack Black are probably best going broad.
October 28, 2012
Some great footage of the titular cave and some other objects, but not much else. The real 3D is hurt by the presence of very fakey 3D.
November 2, 2012
I don't know what to think of this movie. Goes from bleak to weird to weirder. Too many Meg Ryans for any to get fully realized.
December 14, 2012
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
Some parts were too LOTR-y or felt like "The Gandalf", but on the whole it was like the best bits of Fellowship exploded plus whimsy.
December 22, 2012
Fair job of compressing 6 volumes of content to sub-2 hours. Visually and aurally arresting.
December 24, 2012
A movie that tries to put in a positive light an intentionally uglier, screechier Adam Sandler. Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?
January 21-22, 2013
Necessarily a loose adaptation of the source material to fit in movie length, it really does (sorry) hit the right notes. The characters feel like themselves.
February 17, 2013
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Jr.
Want Ace Ventura catchphrases from a much less charismatic actor, and the secret of the Ventura Y chromosome? No? Well then.
February 27, 2013
It is a time before history, and there is... mostly gore porn. But also softcore porn.
February 23 & March 3, 2013
A fine enough excuse to gather the Muppets around again, but the singing and dancing humans usually seem a bit awkward.
April 13-14, 2013
It takes a while for it to feel like a crossover rather than parallel stories, but once it does it's quite cool and uses both franchises well. Watch if you like both (which you should).
April 19, 2013
A surprisingly small amount of bird, because they've tossed in a wider variety of weirdness that keeps you saying "What!?". Very entertaining for those familiar with the first.
April 21, 2013
Saw the second half first. Surprisingly dramatic (for Sandler) tale of a man discovering priorities. Then the first half showed where the dumb commercials came from.
April 28, 2013
Interesting concept handled mostly tritely.
May 16, 2013
As a Trek fan there's both a lot to like and a lot to get annoyed with. I haven't felt this conflicted about a movie since, well, Star Trek.
June 6-7, 2013
It's basically one of the first serials sped up and in color, and with Peter Cushing acting somewhere between William Hartnell and ST:TNG's version of Mark Twain.
June 12, 2013
The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya
A pivotal book in the series gets if anything TOO much time (nearly 3 hours) to work its way through the story in movie form, but it's well done.
July 12, 2013
Finally giant robots vs giant monsters looks convincing, and it's dead cool. Perhaps the best big-budget eastern-western fusion of recent decades that doesn't involve Wachowskis?
July 21, 2013
Gamera: Guardian of the Universe
Generally reminded me about how earlier monster movies were too obviously fakey, and without a whole lot else of interest going on. Some cool imagery, though, like Gyaos at Tokyo Tower.
July 28, 2013
A character in the movie is speaking for the movie as a whole when he says, "I'm so fucked up."
August 13-14, 2013
Feels like, well, a seriousish book through the prism of the director of Robocop. Sometimes funny, sometimes gratuitous. Heinlein is probably rolling in his grave, though?
August 17, 2013
If they'd made a Christmas Story sitcom, this'd be a decent season 6 episode? Also the narrator sounds like Adam West.
August 23, 2013
The well-crafted comedy with a heart we've come to expect from these folks, plus British comic actors in their 40s trying their best to do Jackie Chan fight scenes.
August 25, 2013
Not wild like Birdemic, but beneath the incredibly amateur everything it feels like there's something honest in this wacko love story. So it's actually kind of watchable?
September 4, 2013
A fair bit changed the source material, like always, though in this case doing a fairy tale for adults in PG-13 hurts it. On its own, though, still good fun. Especially Robert DeNiro.
September 13, 2013
Simple but gets tense to watch, as many weird-shit-filmed-documentary-style things do. A few times gets broken by something looking or seeming too silly, though.
September 13-14, 2013
Kids forced to do the worst to survive. Modified, condensed, and with fewer looks into characters' heads it feels a lot shallower and schlockier than the book, but still has plenty of moments.
September 14, 2013
Definitely of a kind with Occult, though this one gets to feeling faker and more movie-ie sometimes.