Short Movie Reviews 2006-2010
January 6, 2006, early AM
Sort of a... weirdass mystery with a Slaughterhourse-Five wrapping. Keeps you guessing.
January 13, 2006, early AM
Wow. Action, adventure, comedy, mystery, ancient civilizations, beautiful scenery... the kind of movie I wish I'd seen as a kid, but is still great as a full-grown kid.
January 24, 2006, early AM
Mad Max and the cargo cult kids screw up an already screwed-up place even more. An interesting story for the world the first two films established.
February 4, 2006
This fictional take on Clinton can't decide whether it's a comedy with a message or a light drama.
February 10, 2006, early AM
Sure, most of the acting, action, and humor is lousy. As a huge fan of the game, though, I'm still glad this exists. Might be awesome if edited down to about a fourth of its length.
February 12, 2006, early AM
I sympathized with the main character; he was like me with a better job and more stuff. Carell is so likeable, and the best thing about this movie.
February 12, 2005
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Does an admirable job setting the proper tone, but so much area was covered so quickly that it all felt rushed and didn't get a proper chance to sink in.
April 10, 2006, early AM
Fullmetal Alchemist: Conqueror of Shamballa
So awesome. Though details would spoil, it's amazing how it builds from the series, yet is also extremely unique. Serves as a capper... while also leaving new things open.
May 26, 2006
Pleasantly charming semi-documentary style comedy about a quickly arranged concert featuring some old 60s folk musical acts. Spinal Tap guys as "The Folksmen" is groovy.
May 27, 2006, early AM
Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
Story continuation is a contrived disappointment. It's just an excuse, though, to revisit familiar characters and places with beautiful new CG animation, which is fun for fans. 100% flashy.
May 27, 2006
Shifting alliances among mutants, mutant supremacists, and mutant haters. A few underused characters, but the movie flowed very well from point to point, staying interesting and action-packed.
May 28, 2006
Doesn't flow as well as X2, but still provided a fun combination of action and ethical questions. Could've been an interesting conclusion if they didn't leave it open.
May 29, 2006, early AM
In a visually dense future-of-the-80s, an android exterminator is confronted by philosophical issues. Not sure I get the massive love for this movie.
June 1, 2006
Home alone... due to chicken pox and working parents. Adequately delivers on the promise of a precocious kid stopping bad guys through sabotage and trickery.
June 21-ish, 2006
Totally safe movie of fictional characters becoming real to boost a girl's confidence. Would've cared more if I'd been more familiar with the old characters.
July 1, 2006
Backstory is done well, as are Reeve's dual roles. However, Superman is a boringly powerful superhero, removing any tension from the superheroic bits.
July 15, 2006
Nation's touchy top dogs tap dance around with fake-ass accents trying to push the Soviet Union around, but not in such a way that they respond with a nuclear hug.
July 23, 2006, early AM
Interesting sci-fi world and take on questioning reality. Cool movie, but what the shit with the ultraviolence?
August 7, 2006
Movie quest for a missing man gives the intrigue of people talking in front of buildings and the excitement of two continents worth of stock footage to show what they're looking at. Dead dull.
August 26, 2006, early AM
Philosopher bouncer cleans up shitty bar and town. Go in expecting total cheese, and you will be rewarded. This movie enjoys its R rating.
(The day I got my speakers. Self, find out and fix this later.)
70s urban Oz is an interesting premise, and the cast clearly has talent, but the individual songs (and between bits) are hit-and-miss, and it drags on.
November 23, 2006
Doc Hollywood with an engine. Meticulously crafted, but "Hotshot learns what's REALLY important from his friends." breaks no molds. I wished something would happen to spice things up.
March 2, 2007
Auctioneer mixes with future mob in-laws. "Comedy" that puts the protagonist in increasingly awful situations so he squirms. Painful to watch, even if the guy getting shit on is Hugh Grant.
March 6 & March 7, 2007, both early AM
Demons kill humans, so a doctor must turn CG to fight them, while X-Files-ish cops are confused... and I'm even more confused. No resolution... what the hell was going on?
May 4 & May 5, 2007
No origin tale, but Peter's real-world problems kept things interesting and me rooting for him. Otto's mechanical arms had a silly, too-short explanation for existing. Very entertaining.
August 18, 2007
Unless you're looking for camp, this is pretty easily the best live-action Batman by a significant amount. It makes a billionaire vigilante with wonderful toys seem almost plausible.
October 7, 2007
Blackballed: The Bobby Dukes Story
This mockumentary keeps the burner at such a low temperature that it never really reaches a boil. Riggle owns his manic role, though.
January 9, 2008
Half-black, half-white, half-cat, half-CG, half-naked, half-baked. Also Sharon Stone as herself.
January 14, 2008
Competent 80s comedy. John Candy and Eugene Levy play their usual characters, this time in the form of an ex-cop and ex-lawyer turned security guards.
January 25, 2008
Pro football player belatedly learns he's a father; predictable hilarity ensues. I must admit I was surprised at how decent Dwayne Johnson is as a comic actor.
January 30, 2008
Me-too Oz movie, but at least this one is based on a legitimate me-too Oz book from a legitimate me-too Baum. Gives the Cowardly Lion enough backstory to make him seem stupider.
February 12, 2008
A group of dweebs use time travel to form a sort of BTTF-meets-Ghostbusters group that retroactively prevents embarrassment. Decent Disney Channel fare.
February 14, 2008
It's like Batman & Robin but not ridiculously silly. Freeze comes across as a man pushed beyond his limits rather than a pun-tossing popsicle.
February 18, 2008
Home Alone minus about 9 years. John Hughes must really hate criminals' testicles.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Interesting for seeing Seuss-inspired designs in live action, but otherwise superfluous. A love interest for the Grinch, seriously?
March 13, 2008
Decent rush conclusion to seasons 9 & 10 that manages to feel bigger in scope than a double-length episode slapped on disc.
April 5, 2008
Ironically more down-to-earth and locally-based than the far-off travels of previous outings. More 70s music than 70s Muppet movies.
April 7, 2008
Shenmue, as it's always been seen before! More a mess of chopped cutscenes than a movie, it works as a reminder leading up to Shenmue II, but not as a standalone experience. A dull watch.
April 18, 2008
Turns out the world of motocross is so insanely misogynistic that a girl must disguise herself as her brother to not be relentlessly mocked and physically targted. Also to meet guys. Meh.
April 21, 2008
Prank goes bad, makes random trucker even more dangerous than usual. Full of unhappy thrills and Paul Walker trying to sound like a woman.
April 22, 2008
Interesting if graphic tale of the death and sex dealt by mute child turned mute slave turned heavily-accented barbarian. James Earl Jones was nearly a goa'uld. Also pre-Zelda music.
April 29, 2008
The continuing adventures of Conan, now PG rated so less bloody and sexful. This time Conan is easier to dupe and chased by jailbait.
May 4, 2008
A jokester realizes his life is shit; attempts to remedy that by chasing a mute and beating the shit out of dead cows.
An emasculated champ needs to prove himself, and makes Rocky feel the same way. Rematch/sequel/rehash ensues.
May 4 & 5, 2008
Pampered, softened ex-champs team up to take on the evil prototype of Mr. T.
May 5, 2008
Creed's hubris takes him out. Rocky misaims his vengeance on the Russian athletoscientific community, and succeeds.
A post-money, post-brain damage Rocky's attempt to carry on in old sets and clothes comes back to bite him in the brain. Also his kid must've taken HGH between movies.
May 7, 2008
Aged restaurateur Rocky feels unfulfilled, and decides to move forward by... doing what he did thirty years ago to re-prove himself.
May 22, 2008
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Harrison is a bit busted, and it's quite possibly the least awesome Indy yet... leaving it still among the most awesome films of the last few decades. A 30s/50s/80s/2000s family adventure.
June 27, 2008
Avoids imitating the old, but taking the general ideas and using them as a vehicle for the modern stars; generally successfully. More actiony than I expected.
July 1, 2008
A young, foul-mouthed, purple Eddie Murphy talks primarily about relationships. I've heard better.
July 20, 2008
Ex car thief must car thief again to save his bro, the car thief who messed up. Too many characters, too many cars, too little of me giving a shit about any of them. Also asshole Eccleston.
July 31, 2008
Stargate has done time travel/alternate reality before, but this big canvass version is pretty awesome, too. Really brings back the days of low tech and astounding odds.
August 15, 2008
Tries to be both kid-friendlier, yet show more interstellar war. Story isn't much, but the action is more Episode II than Ewok Adventure, and convinces me it can work as a series.
August 17, 2008
Unobjectionable romantic comedy, with the main tension coming from the conflict between love of woman and love/obsession over an organization.
September 20, 2008
A comedy that's willing to put the blame for people's troubles where it belongs: organized religion.
September 28, 2008
Edited like a film, but is mostly clips from Moore's late 2004 tour. So it's both old news and depressing with the foreknowledge of electoral failure.
October 20, 2008
The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning
Generic teen sex comedy using vague versions of Dukes characters. Eww.
December 9, 2008
Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D
The plot goings-on are pretty ridiculous, but it's mostly an excuse to show impossibly weird landscapes in 3D, which is a gimmick I can support.
A return to pre-Land shock and defense, which is my favorite thing about zombie movies. This spans locations, but not in a high-tech tank this time. Real message: The truth is out there.
December 15, 2008
Meh. The idealized toymaker who agreed to cancel Christmas then changed his mind when he realized that idea sucked.
December 16, 2008
Monster movie with modern production values turns into... a family's fight against the system? Weird and well-made.
December 22, 2008
One might need to go decades back to find a Christmas movie with worse acting and lower production values.
December 23, 2008
Spark of a prick cop ignites the tinderbox of a troubled ex-Green Beret. Nobody stops, so things escalate. How did a movie like this become a franchise rather than a one-off?
So they got a sequel by erasing the consequences and (too bad) turning him into a more generic action hero with hundreds of disposable, foreign, obvious "bad guys" he can freely kill.
December 28, 2008
It's like the second movie again, but this time with sand.
December 29, 2008
Not a complete story, but these six well-made shorts show us Batman at different angles through different lenses.
January 13, 2009
It's like the whole world's awkwardness has been compacted into a small cast. On top of this foundation, nothing much happens.
January 14, 2009
At slow points it might approach half the original, but when zombies start acting like professional gymnasts it gets five times as dumb.
March 2, 2009
Doctor hates that his wife is no longer a stay-at-home mom, but a successful commercial spokesperson. Hijinks and pissiness ensue.
March 28, 2009
A night in... under-the-pizza 1950s with 80s music? Feels shorter than it is: little introduction, action scene, escape sequence, action scene, little conclusion.
May 4, 2009
Elvis Elvises it up in a movie that exists solely to show Elvis portraying a pseudo-Elvis who becomes rich and famous by singing, dancing, and looking like Elvis.
May 7, 2009
This movie plays loose with the Trek rules in ways that even time travel can't explain, but get past that and there's a pretty great space action movie in here. Not enough Bones, though.
May 23, 2009
A sometimes wooden vision of the future that manages to surprise with more than what we already knew to expect. It's no T1 or T2, but at least it's not trying to be.
June 16, 2009
Not quite as punchy as a regular episode, seems to screw with the ficional history, and is sometimes predictable... but it's still more Futurama.
July 9, 2009
A bad movie because it's really bad? Or good because it's trying to be bad and succeeds? More of the former, though some of the hobgoblin wrestling and references to the first are fun.
August 1, 2009
Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs
A much sillier Futurama that I think better captures the feel of the series.
August 3, 2009
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Here the length really starts to catch up with the filmmakers, though the key elements are in place. Here's where the series really takes a turn for the dark.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
It's a race to the finish as the longest book in the series becomes the shortest movie. The set pieces are there, but few things get enough time to stew to the proper taste.
August 8, 2009
Interesting to see familiar Stargate actors in something very different. Sitcom production values. Goes back and forth from comedy to unsettling.
August 22, 2009
A man and a people are forced into very harsh situations out of their control. A pretty good alien flick that doesn't go normal routes, though it still manages to fit in plenty of explosions.
August 30, 2009
A bleakly stupid twist on the frozen-too-long concept that builds a surprisingly densely detailed world.
September 24, 2009
No-budget movie with silly deaths meanders about until eventually enough people are dead for the credits to roll. Dig the Casio soundtrack, though.
October 2, 2009
Goes more for the cheap thrills than I prefer, but this horror flick has a great sense of nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.
October 5, 2009
Low-budget sci-fi done right, with a concept that doesn't require fancy effects or locations. A bit hard to follow, but it's not dealing with simple matters.
October 9, 2009
Still cheap and hokey like you'd expect from Rick Sloane, but this time the intentional laughs work pretty well, too.
October 30, 2009
Battlestar Galactica: The Plan
Pretty damn good. Not a clip show like I feared, with 90+% of the footage being new. Doesn't stand alone from the series, but stands very well alongside it, presenting a different viewpoint.
November 13, 2009
Everybody loves that a Mike Brady lookalike is leading the cops on a chase, but he just wants speed and speed.
December 18, 2009
The plot is nothing new and the parallels with Earth history are quite heavy-handed. This movie is really all about EPIC SPECTACLE OF ALIEN WORLD, though, and pulls that off pretty well.
January 11, 2010
Interesting idea, but doesn't quite click. Tries to be a bit silly, a bit serious, a bit romantic, but succeeds on none. Does do a bit of unsettling, though.
January 30, 2010
Frequently Asked Questions About Time Travel
Great fun and very internally consistent comedy about bathroom-based time travel.
February 27, 2010
A much more straightforward action-rebellion movie than the original. But may I say the makeup work is outstanding.
March 7, 2010
Puppets doing things you've never seen puppets do before! Crazy songs! Important metaphors! Highly entertaining.