Alexander Joseph Fraioli
Days since birth: 13,697
Son of Paul Lynde.
On 1Up's launch day, had an import review for the PS2 Phantasy Star remake.
Occasionally comes to this very page.
Note: Some artistic license applied.
The Legend of Alexander Fraioli
Al Fraioli was born at age 3, with a hammer in his hand, which he immediately used to kill a bear. That combined with the immense ripping caused by birthing a hammer-equipped young boy made him an orphan very quickly. To survive he ate nails for breakfast and gargled with molten lava. He hammered down a cherry tree and defended himself in court, which is how he became a country lawyer. He used the wood from the tree to build a raft, which he used to bring his friend Frederick Douglas to the free North: the North Pole. Being lonesome, after many years they forgot themselves and married. All their children became slave labor. At the end of each year Alex would take the fruits of their labor, lasso a tornado, and give all the toys to the US Republicans. Since he had no toys to give to the poor, he would instead give free wind shows to trailer parks. Due to global warming, eventually his North Pole home was no more. He began wandering the land planting apple trees everywhere he went. This is how he got his famed "Alex Guywhodropsrottingapplesonmylawn" nickname. One day one of the apples fell on his head. "Eureka!" he exclaimed, and ran naked through the streets. He realized his true destiny now, and rode to the Alamo, building the train tracks as he went. He picked up the Alamo (including the basement), put it into the Gulf, and floated it to Normandy, where he and the Texans liberated France. While admiring a painting, he was shot in the back. The bullet bounced and killed the would-be assassin: Archduke Franz Ferdinand. And now you know the story of how he got the name Toaster Thief.