What I'd Say to the Martians: And Other Veiled Threats

Originally posted at IDKIYKT's Phile on 2011-05-26

A collection of short humorous essays, as well as scripts and bits from his time on SNL.  Rather than try to explain myself why it's funny, I'll just paste some of the bits I made sure to highlight and save during the Kindle read:

"Long ago an asteroid hit our planet and killed our dinosaurs. But in the future, maybe we’ll go to another planet and kill their dinosaurs."

"This is as real as a baby deer calling out for his mother. But his mother won’t be coming home anytime soon, because she is drunk in a bar somewhere."

"As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crispy juiciness about it that was very pleasurable—until I realized it wasn’t a nectarine at all, but a HUMAN HEAD!!"

"Things first started to go bad, in my view, in 1962. That’s when the council announced that it would promote not only waffles and pancakes, but also, where appropriate, bank robbery."

"When I was seven, I told my friend Timmy Barker I would give him a million dollars if he would eat an earthworm. He ate the worm, but I never gave him the million dollars. As of last week, all I had given him was $9,840."

5/5