The Colbert Report 2008

The Colbert Report

The Colbert Report 2007

The ColberT ReporT

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01-08: That was... big applause.  And a long show.

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01-09: Hahaha, using part of a script completed pre-strike?

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01-10: I was wondering if the "Colbert mythos" would see any real additions without the writers, but I guess it can... sort of.  "Gorlok" the space alien in a business suit originated in the pre-strike material used the previous night, but was brought up again tonight during the bit about Will Smith's Scientological turn.

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01-11: National Treasure: Portrait of Stephen  Good stuff.

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01-14: The continuation of Portrait of Stephen is also good.  Basically him riffing on notable American artifacts is good fun.  Commenting on George Washington's clothes: "This is nice.  This is Seinfeld's puffy shirt?"

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01-15: The conclusion of Portrait of Stephen.  He gets his portrait up at the National Portrait Gallery... next to the bathroom.

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01-16: The Nevada primary pie chart roulette was great.  Doesn't seem like they practiced it much before filming, considering the first attempt had the ball flying off ("I'm not sure, but I think this means Mike Gravel wins."), and the second spun on much longer than he seemed to be expecting.  (Obama won.)

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01-17: The Dobbs interview was good stuff.  Sure, it was an old interview with half of it replaced with Stephen speaking his lines in Spanish, but having Esteban Colberto (of Colberto Reporto Gigante) doing the interviewing is a fun trick.

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01-21: He called it!  BaHillary Clinton won the Nevada primary.

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01-22: Interesting.  Tonight's guest, Andrew Young, negotiated a civil rights-related strike with Stephen's dad back in 1969.

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01-23: Ahahaha, what a hugeass check.  Also, that Corliss guy who wants to skydive without a parachute is a cool kind of crazy.

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01-24: The guest: a man who wants to make poker a legitimately accepted way of teaching strategy.

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01-28: My Writers Killed the President of the Mormon Church

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01-29: Colbert made Huckabee.  Conan made Colbert.  But Jon Stewart made Conan!  With dark hair!  In leather!  In age looong gone!

So Colbert is still a candidate in the Marvel universe?  Iiiinteresting.

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01-30: The 50th district Better Known!

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01-31: I should really write these things sooner, because backwriting this entry from February 5th, I can't say much what happened.

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02-04: Ménage à awesome.

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02-05: Bob Dole is old.

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02-06: "The first part in our let's-say infinite-part series, Better Know A Lobbyist."

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02-07: Huckabee is back, and this time with the new fancy-election Colbert Big Board... an air hockey table that knocks floating states around.

Also, the celebrated Black Chinese American... Lieutenant Worf of the Starship Enterprise!  Colbert was convincing enough (in a fakey way) of showing Worf to be black and Chinese... but he neglected to show him as an American.  I mean, if anything he's Russian.

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02-11: "I see you paid attention in Sunday school."  "I teach Sunday school, mother$%

&er;!"

Finally making that sandwich with George Washington's sword.

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02-12: Ahaha.  Stephen wants to be a superdelegate, and will vote for the candidate that helps him become one.

Also, Holmes-Norton returns!  Perhaps the guest that can push Stephen around most, other than Jane Fonda.

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The Colbert Report
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02-13: Neil deGrasse Tyson again!  Literally hours earlier I included him in a list to my brother of the most frequent Report guests.

So no "The Word" tonight.  I guess since they already had segments filmed and guests booked for filling non-writer time, today's and tomorrow's shows won't yet be like the regular regular shows.  And then they'll go on a week's vacation!  Wah wah waaaaaah.

Also Kevin Bacon.

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02-14: Still no The Word, BUT... Leonard Nimoy?  Taking pictures of naked fat ladies?

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02-26: The Word returns!

There once was a man named McCain

Who had the whole White House to gain

But he was quite a hobbyist

Of boning his lobbyist

So much for his ‘08 Campaign.

On the host of the Oscars: "Ellen DeGeneres has never looked more radiant."

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02-27: I love that even in a coffee shower scene, Stephen is still wearing his WristStrong bracelet.

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02-28: Blowing up Glenn Beck is a good idea.

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03-03:

I DIG HITLER

'S GOLD

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03-04: Inviting on one religious nutbag to smack another?  Strange segment, in that Donohue only had two clearly-scripted lines; it was like he was in the neighborhood and wanted to stop by.

That was quite a Dean "Byyye!"

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03-05: "Tonight! Barack sees his shadow. Seven more weeks of Primaries."

No Word tonight, which is happening more and more, even with the strike long gone.  Maybe it's just chance that they've had the opportunity to get more guests they wanted, or maybe they thought every day was beginning to overdo it?

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03-06: Colbert gets another duet notch in his belt, this time singing "The Girl is Mine" with John Legend, fighting over Lady Liberty.

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03-10: Whoredar?  That's what Stephen claims to have, that should have helped him detect something about Eliot Spitzer.

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03-11: Ahaha.  He really did change the bonus word at the beginning of the show to "PRESIDENT BUSH HAVE A HOT DOG WITH ME", as he recently claimed had been there for a long time.  I wonder if it was there last night and I just missed it.

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03-12: Stephen really out-media-criticed Howard Kurtz.

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03-13: That Democralypse Now graphic is pretty amazing.  I'm sure they'll use it a dozen times.

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03-17: The Word's "The Audacity of Hoplessness" suggests if people stop looking for work and thus aren't counted as unemployed, confidence in the economy will rise, creating more jobs for those people who gave up.  Flawless logic.

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03-18: Doritos are back!  Spicy sweet chili!  "It's like I'm holding a caucus in my mouth!"

Bobby is said to be on "America's Next Top Stage Manager", so Stephen instead sends Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to search for the Nazi gold, since he claims to have majored in treasure hunting at UCLA.

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03-19: Dee Dee's on every other show recently.

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03-20: Special report.  Watershift Down: Getting the Sea Monkey Off of America's Aqua-Back.

Hey, masked man Dean Kamen.  Mr. IT.

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03-31: Ha.  Compares 100 years of Cubs losses to McCain's Iraq plan.

Liberty Bell's crack is because Ben Franklin gave it syphilis.

Eric Alterman: "Truthiness is black and white.  Truth is complicated."

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04-01: The portrait is going to the Smithsonian!  Through April 13 only so it's a short stay, but hey.  He is indeed a National Treasure.

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04-02: On the Peabody: "It's the award they would've given Shakespeare if he'd written local news."  Congratulations, Report!

John Oliver!  In a suitcase!

Great giant stool to lord over R.E.M.

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04-03: Peabody Award-winning... Doritos?

Tek Jansen awesome as always.

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04-07: Jesse Ventura is nuts.

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04-08: Those kids' drawings were pretty crazy.

Brimley is back!

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04-09: On Bush's leaving: "Why start following the Constitution now?"

Retiring the penny = re-assassinating Abraham Lincoln.

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04-10: More crazy kid pictures.  Super Banana Hillary?

I love those talking fish.  I wonder where I can hear more?

Great Satan, or Greatest Satan?

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04-14: Ahh, Philadelphia.  With Ben Franklin, the Ed McMahon of the 18th century.

I love how to manage his "run to other set" bit with one set, he just ran in a circle while Chris Matthews was moved to a guest position off-camera.

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04-15: Ahaha!  Copping a feel of the Jefferson stick and being driven to the top of the Rocky steps.

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04-16: I want "Pontiff Beat" magazine.

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04-17: What a big show!  It's a good thing Hillary was around to solve their technical difficulties.

Matthews blew Hillary (so to speak), but Edwards was a real surprise!  EDWØRDS

And Barack via giant screen!  And changing the On Notice board!  James Brady goes off; he's been there since the very beginning of On Notice!

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04-21: A belated farewell for Eric Drysdale.  Bobby... eaten!?

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04-22: The real battle in Philadelphia is between... cheese steaks.

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04-23: Rain strikes back!

I love how Stephen assumes anonymous people in the news are him.

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04-24: Bees = blossum sluts.

God, that Bumbot is really quite Dalek-like.

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04-28: New Zealand = Diet Australia.

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04-29: "The only thing older than a 'McCain is old' joke... is John McCain."

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04-30: Ahaha, Salinger Watch.

Only on The Report could a satellite discussion with a superdelegate lead to plans for a midnight rendezvous in Kansas City.

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05-01: More socially responsible summer movie: Indiana Jones and the Wheel of Fortune.

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05-05: On Miyamoto's Time 100 victory: "When I throw barrels at an Italian, they call it a hate crime."

Rain!!!! Dancin' in Korean!

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05-06: Stephen is always ovulating.

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05-07: [trackingtransience.net]

Oh, poor media-isolated Justin-in-a-box.

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05-08: WristStrong in space!?  Member of the Colbert universe.

"Eat it, Jon Stewart, I'm talkin' to space!"

(Stephen caption) NEW YORK

(astronaut caption) OMG! SPACE!

"If your erection lasts more than 100 years, pull out."

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05-12: Vacation travel device: familypult.

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05-13: Ahahaha, Colbert's faux-early-90s O'Reilly.

Gun control lobby: the fightin' pacifists!

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05-14: On John Edwards: "He's going to need more than two Americas to hide from Hillary Clinton."

Recount: "This movie is <nowiki>[</nowiki>Democrats'] version of Titanic, only in this movie the Supreme Court declares the iceberg President."

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05-15: Poor John Edwards without his jet ski.

Secret time-traveling Nazi Muslim!

I want a Colbert Tyro.

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05-27: Catholic Church can't be Great Whore because they're against birth control.  Unless Hagee is into pregnant whores.

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05-28: "Pennicillin, you make me sick!  Then immediately cure me, how ironic."

I love Cheating Death.

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05-29: Ahh, the astronauts and their high technology "bag-like collection system".

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06-02: iPod Nano video stamp?  Nice.

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06-03: Dennis Kucinich won the primary among animals.

Two shows in a row he uses clips from the preceding TDS.  That's fast.

"This is great news.  For one thing, I believe calling Hezbollah the A-Team means we can put them in jail for a crime they didn't commit."

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06-04: "Of course I'm talking about the Libertarians.  A party that wants to shrink down government so small that it could be injected into Martin Short."

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06-05: Colbert in Andromeda Strain! ... sorta.

Timber sports: The Superbowl with chainsaws.

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06-09: Democralypse-alypse!

Albatresbians and their sapho-avian agenda.

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06-10: Ahahaha.  He's taking Canada's hockey song for extremely American things!  And punching beavers in the face.

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06-11: Katamari!  Super Barack & Hillary!

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06-12: Make McCain Exciting... does.

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06-16: The guest's Peabody came to visit.

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06-17: Timebersporter Mike Forrester... got to second round due to disqualification.  Go Mike!  Beat Nwe Zealand!

Love the Internet/mosh pit analogy.

Hey, a Firefox 3 plug from the guest!

Ha!  Putting up a Peabody on the portrait, since painting Stephen was standing in front of the other.

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06-18: Stephen = Ballsy Smurf

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06-19: George Foster Peabody earns a Golden Dorito.  Nice.

Cookie Monster!  What kind of freakshow Muppet lineup is Comedy Central running?  "Me like the Robert Downey Jr. of cookies!"

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06-23: WristStrong anniversary!

Face violence!

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06-24: Colbert gets a spider!

Colbert & Will Smith compare ear talents.

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06-25: Neil deGrasse Tyson again?  Is this visit 4 or something?

Tonight's Make McCain Interestings are awesome.

Stephen wants buildings with huge tits... metaphorically speaking.

Oh, it's Neil's fifth time.

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06-26: Tacos = freedom shells

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07-14: Dalai Grimace.

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07-15: Donald Trump is the Rosa Parks of giant flags.

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07-16: Jimmy is quite the Rush fan.

"President Bush may be a lame duck, but somebody forgot to tell his balls."

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07-17: Rush there all night!?  Long song.

"Everyone knows I'm a big believer in John McCain.  I believe he exists."

The McCain Report!

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07-21: Barack Obama's Elitist Summer Abroad vs John McCain's Fiscally Responsible Staycation

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07-22: Ben & Jerry's Kim John Dill.

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07-23: Multi-Grain.

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07-24: Threatdown... no #5 or #1?

Stephen trades WristStrongs with a spaceman!

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07-28: Stephen-on-tape calls in to... Stephen.

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07-29: Oh Stephen... you can't express milk.

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07-30: Deep fried stick-on-a-stick more healthy than corn dog.

Damn, Stephen is hitting Canton, Kansas hard!

Crosby, Stills, Nash & Colbert?!

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07-31: Ha, Starbucks on both sides of his desk!  Poor Barry.

Cheating Death is always so great.

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08-04: This interview is brought to you by Dr Pepper!

Stephen: "That's cause I blew it so hard."  Crowd: "Ohh!"  Stephen: "Oh my god."

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08-05: Obama is pro-inflation.

Canton again.  Canton, South Dakota is up next!

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08-06: Ignorant-Americans.  They're so discriminated against.

"How many bugs do other TV hosts have?  Other than that giant praying mantis that follows Sean Hannity around."

Spida of Love

Dribble-down economics.

To Costner: "You've got two Oscars and I've got an assload of Peabodys."

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08-07: Giant foam prayer hands!

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08-11: Esteban!  And his director, Jaime.

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08-12: "Even Bayh?  He looks like the guy who comes with the picture frame."

Canton, Texas!

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08-13: On Wikiplagiarism: President 404 File Not Found.

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08-14: "Sarajevo is for lovers... of trench warfare."

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08-26: Stephen sounds off tonight.  Sore throat?

Ahaha, powerful Stephen telling his children to go to sleep via satellite.

No, he ate insulation.  It's not cotton candy.

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08-27: The Denver set is such an incredible recreation.

Huck!

RIP Judge Tubbs.

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08-28: AMABO

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08-29: God out of federal government = feeral vernment.

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09-02: Ahahaha... using 4 year old Stephen footage as a correspondent.  Well, fake old footage.

Heeeey, the Batman P.O.W.! joke.

Thanks for the laughs, Make McCain Exciting.

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09-03: Ahaha.  Now the show is in New Orleans.

"John McCain is so tough, he'll even stand up to John McCain."

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09-04: Show from... the Atlanta airport.

Raisin' McCain

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09-05: Back to St. Paul!

Yay, new McCain green screen!  He really asked for it.

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09-15: Gorlok gives bad advice.

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09-16: Oh, spelled Gorlock.  Cindy McCain is of his species.

nothingbutnets.net

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09-17: Economy is strong and at risk, like a muscle man who won't use a condom.

Charlene: Behind her always.

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09-18: Ice Manhattan -> Walrus Sex and the City

Formula 4001: A Space Odyseed (For Women)

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09-23: Rickles!!

The Word: OhMyGodSocietyIsCollapsingAndWeWillSoonBeDevouringEachOtherInTheStreetsLikeDogsAndACrippledOne-EyedBoyWillBeKingIfWeDon'tFixThisByNextWeek!

Vote For Taft, He's a Human Raft

Crystal Pepsi!

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09-24: "People tell me I'm white and I believe them, because I have a late-night talk show."

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09-25: FDR vs TR: A tie!  The winner: Roosevelt Franklin the muppet.

"Sarah Palin is a dude!  Good news, fellas: You're not sexist, you're gay."

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09-29: Good ol' Prescott: Chinese Firebones & Capillary Yogurt?

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09-30: A sly reference to his old theft of Lincoln's corpse!

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10-01: Teen voter abstinence.  Hahaha.

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10-02: Stephen Colbert shoots a former lover in the throes of passion!

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10-06: Stephen shoots audience member again!

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10-07: Town-hall Stephen.

Jared Fogle eaten by a bear.

Librarians are communists... is that what they've been hiding.

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10-08: Stephen has the skull of Amelia Earhart.

The Atone Phone is back!  Gottfried wants Colbert dead.

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The Colbert Report 2009